Security firm G4S’ vision for Heavens new pearly gates
In an announcement that rocked global financial markets today the Kingdom of Heaven has revealed it is to outsource much of its operation to the private sector. Numerous invitations to tender have been sent across industry with perimeter security and IT modernisation high on the eternal realms wish list.
Security firm G4S are thought to be favourites for the perimeter security contract, modernising the famed pearly gates with security cameras and a substantial 24 hour security force.
“Take the front gate, the whole Saint Peter keeping the keys and checking everyone in was fine years ago as there weren’t that many people around then, but nowadays he just can’t cope with demand”, said a spokesperson for God. And given Heavens explosive growth over the last 2 millennium it is hardly surprising.
Only last year Heaven hit the headlines when Saint Peter mislaid the keys to the main gate for 4 hours and caused a huge backlog of frustrated souls many of whom gave up and settled for Hell instead, losing Heaven considerable market share. Saint Peter, one of the original 12 apostles who headed up Heaven’s Marketing department has held the post of “keeper of the keys” (more commonly referred to as “Main Gate Security”) for nearly 2,000 years.
The largest contract on offer is a potentially lucrative computerisation and IT outsourcing deal to replace Heaven’s volumes of ancient tomes that until now have been completed in quill and ink.
“Computerisation will not only make us more efficient but will free up a lot of space” said an angelic spokesperson earlier today “we keep an awful lot of records what with God being omnipresent, he does like to get everything written down”.
In the running to win the IT contract is a consortium lead by US IT services giant EDS (now an HP company) with the Church of England as their principal partner. A spokesperson for EDS commented “we were pursuing an outsourcing deal to run the back office operations for Boots the Chemists but this is in a whole other league”.
City analysts agree that there are very tangible gains to be had from an effectively outsourced IT department that will allow Heaven to concentrate on its core business of saving souls from eternal damnation.
Difficult Commercial Arrangements
As well as the sheer scale of the deals there are other significant challenges to overcome for the contracts potential new incumbents, “Heaven just has to get in touch with the 21st century, and it is this reluctance to modernise that will present a significant barrier to Heaven’s transformation” said an industry spokesperson.
Agreeing financial terms is already proving difficult from the outset, with Heaven only prepared to offer eternal salvation as a means of payment, as a city analyst remarked “eternal salvation for your souls just won’t cut it as revenue in today’s business world, I mean how are companies supposed to record that in their annual reports?”.
Agreeing Service levels is another sticking point, with Heaven so far only identifying one service level “Do my bidding or burn in hell for all eternity”. Lengthy commercial negotiations are expected.
Competing with Hell
Heaven can learn a lot from their only competitors in the duopoly market place – Hell. The underworld took the lead and outsourced its IT operations to EDS nearly 6 years ago. Just last year they extended the contract into supply chain management and this extension is already providing real benefits, as Antaeus, a giant demon from the 9th level of Hell remarked “our supply of fire and brimstone in particular has never been so smoothly managed, we now have the luxury of anticipating demand rather than just fire-fighting shortfalls all the time”.
A key question on every analysts lips is can EDS effectively manage both contracts without a conflict of interest? Most city analysts agree that they probably can “the clients core business is essentially the same, I think EDS is in a unique position to generate real synergy, however it will give them a bit of a monopoly on the supply of IT services to the eternal realms, I think this may count against them”.
Huge Redundancies expected
There is of course expected to be substantial workforce realignment with the introduction of the new contracts. The highest profile redundancy is expected to be Saint Peter who is expected to take a generous offer of early retirement, sources close to him commented “I think Pete is looking forward to it to be honest, he’s long had plans to open up a small garden centre in Surrey (England)”.
But finding work for most of those made redundant may not be so easy as most of Hell’s laid off workforce can testify. Geryon, the Giant centaur who was previously guardian of hell has been out of work since Hell outsourced his security role to Securicor 4 years ago “they’d better start tarting up their CV’s now” he advised.
Saint Peter is expected to take early retirement when the deal completes
–The Real Whippet
I want some of the drugs she’s on!
“you shouldn’t let poets lie to you” i think that’s advice we all should take!
Isn’t it nice that during the economic crisis, where 90% of the UK’s mortgages are now under control of the government as The Halifax Bank of Scotland are due to become LLoyds TSB Halifax Bank of Scotland or something similar….
That Gordon Brown can spare some time to talk about…. Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross for making a joke about Russell brand possibly shagging Manuel’s, from Fawlty Towers, Granddaughter!
With the British pound now at $1.50 odd and dropping fast
Its nice to see a story about
An ex heroin addict
A man who cannot pronounce the letter R
After 20 years of living wild on a remote part of the isle of skye in Scotland, Tom Leppard has retired!
Aged 73 Tom no longer wished to complete his kayak trip on the Kyles of Lochalsh as he was only “one big wave away from disaster”.
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He now lives in Broadford, on the Isle Of Skye, which is the 2nd largest town on Skye, in a standard terraced house.
He used to live in a shack with no running water, no electricity, dirt floors and cooked on a camping stove.
“I was in the armed forces for 28 years, and I enjoyed the solitary activities, such as parachute jumping, sailing and canoeing. I made the decision 20 years ago that I wanted to escape the city, which I hated, and to live alone in the highlands of Scotland. I have never been lonely since.”
Strangely enough Tom didn’t get a single tattoo whilst in the military service. He changed his name to “Mr Tom Leppard” from “Tom Woodbridge” and chose to get spots tattooed, not because of any particular interest in cats, but because they were easy for a tattoo artist to do. He earned money from appearances.
“I would get an income from being the most tattooed man in the world, and would be photographed for the Guinness Book of Records, or featured on TV. I had a spare set of dentures, shaped like fangs, that I’d put in for the publicity shots. But it was a necessary evil to supplement my income support, or latterly my pension. It’s not something I enjoyed.”
Tom Leppard, MonkeyReview Salutes you!
14 October 2008
The Chuckle Brothers on deployment in Iraq
The Chuckle Brothers on deployment in Iraq
Al Basrah, Iraq – Inspired by the success of the award winning series Ross Kemp in Afghanistan Sky One today admitted the commissioning of a new series Chuckle Brothers in Iraq.
The series follows the exploits of Yorkshire-born Barry and Paul Elliot, better known as the “Chuckle Brothers”; the children’s television favourites of BBC’s Chuckle vision as they join the 2nd Battalion ‘The Poachers’ of The Royal Anglian Regiment on their deployment with the 7th Armoured Division in the Southern Al Basrah province of Iraq.
Barry (the thinner, older one) said of the show “we were dead keen to do it; we wanted to show the world that we were quite hard when we wanted to be”.
Filming is well under way with the comedy brothers already getting up to some brave but hilarious mishaps, as an MoD Spokesperson confirmed “the Chuckle Brothers have certainly made us all laugh, with their characteristic ‘To me, to you’ and ‘Oh dear, oh dear’ catchphrases whilst on operations”, but he added seriously “there’s no finer soldiers I’d choose to serve with, Barry is a dab-hand on the GPMG (General Purpose Machine Gun) and Paul just loves working with explosives, they are an awesome band of ‘chuckle’ brothers”.
The brother’s exploits have not gone unnoticed in dispatches; Barry has been dubbed the “Insurgent killer” with an estimated 12 kills to his name, each one etched onto his forearm with his combat knife. Whilst Paul has been commended for his laying down of lethally accurate mortar fire.
The series is scheduled to be broadcast early in 2009; Sky One has yet to confirm rumours that they have already commissioned the series Ant and Dec in Pyongyang, “just in case it kicks off over there”.
by The Real Whippet
Still from seized video of Osama bin Laden in the diary room
23 October 2008
Hertfordshire, England – Cleaning staff were astonished yesterday to discover a man thought to be Osama bin Laden hiding in Channel 4’s Big Brother house.
The team were conducting a routine clean of the house that was last occupied in early September when the ninth series of the popular reality TV show concluded; when they heard the sound of someone muttering in Arabic coming from the famed diary room.
Upon opening the diary room door the cleaners were faced with a man they described as “the spitting image of Osama bin Laden”, wearing a camouflage jacket over his traditional white Muslim dress.
“He just stood up, picked up an AK47 Assault Rifle, said ‘excuse me’ in perfect English and walked out”, said one of the bemused cleaning staff who asked not to be named to protect his identity. Ashley Hunt of 21 Piccotts End Road, Hemel Hempstead, England, United Kingdom, HP2 1QZ, went on to explain “he then just kept walking without looking back, we called security but by the time they showed up he was long gone, sadly”.
The incident is being taken seriously by Britain’s security services and the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), an FBI spokesperson commented “from interviews with the cleaning staff we were alerted to the fact this could be Usama by the details the cleaners gave us, they described his accent as ‘probably Pashtu’, said he was left handed and that he was armed and dangerous”.
The FBI were already well aware that Osama bin Laden was an avid fan of the popular television show, following interviews with close associates of the Terrorist leader who claimed “he was crazy about it, he’d just sit in front of the television for hours shouting and cheering, it’s the only time we ever saw him excited about anything, except maybe the Teletubbies”.
A Special Forces raid on a known Al-Qaeda cache in the Waziristan region of Pakistan in August this year seemed to confirm the FBI’s suspicions’ as they seized dozens of video tapes of the show labelled “For Osama x”.
A video was later seized in the Big Brother house that seems to show the 51 year old terrorist in the diary room, at times breaking down in tears, attempting to record a new message for Al- Qaeda but mostly rueing the fact that Rachel won the last series of Big Brother even though he didn’t vote for her.
Security has been stepped up on the set of the BBC’s Teletubbies for fears that the Terrorist leader will attempt to infiltrate the set, assassinate Tinky-Winky and wear his dead skin in a plot to seize “tubby toast”.
–The Real Whippet