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Category: Comedy

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Patsy Kensit “Stops washing her hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Actress” Patsy Kensit has said she was so upset to find her grandfather was a criminal on TV show Who Do You Think You Are? she stopped washing her hair.

The Holby City “star” told the Radio Times she also started binge-eating burgers after it was revealed he was imprisoned for theft.

The actress quit the show and had to be convinced to complete filming.

The “actress”, who was already aware that her father had been imprisoned and had links to the Krays, decided to make the programme to get some “closure” about her family past.

Pie and mash

“Dad died when I was 17, so I stupidly thought that this would be quite a romantic notion to find out about my ancestors. I just didn’t realise it was going to be so sad,” she said.

The revelation that her grandfather had been absent from her father’s childhood while he was in prison sparked the downward spiral.

“I was so livid with him that I hit rock bottom. I kept thinking how stupid I was to think that I could deal with this. I genuinely didn’t want to know any more.”

“It hit me so hard, I stopped washing my hair and wearing make-up,” she added.

“I was so depressed that I started binge-eating on burgers and pie and mash. I was so scared of how it was affecting me that I said, ‘I can’t do this any more’ and went home and locked myself away.”

The “actress” said a more positive revelation about her family history helped her to recover.

An ancestor who was a clergyman was awarded a degree for his work to ease the suffering of his flock.

“When the vicar told me his work was so valuable that they were going to write a book about him, I felt a huge weight coming off my shoulders. It was an astonishing story,” she said.

“That was the moment I stopped eating burgers and started washing my hair!”

Kensit said the whole experience of delving into her family history for the programme made her “appreciate everything I have”.

She added that she was “glad” she returned to the show, having wished she had not walked away from the part of Ross’s English girlfriend in US TV comedy Friends.

She was replaced by Helen Baxendale, having decided to sort out her troubled marriage instead. “I’ve regretted that ever since, so I thought I’m going to see this through. I’m so glad I did,” she said.

They’re Made Out Of Meat 0

They’re Made Out Of Meat

by Terry Bisson
From “Bears Discover Fire and Other Stories,” Copyright © 1994, Tor Books

“They’re made out of meat.”
“Meat?”
“Meat. They’re made out of meat.”
“Meat?”
“There’s no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They’re completely meat.”
“That’s impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars.”
“They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don’t come from them. The signals come from machines.”
“So who made the machines? That’s who we want to contact.”
“They made the machines. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.”
“That’s ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You’re asking me to believe in sentient meat.”
“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they’re made out of meat.”
“Maybe they’re like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage.”
“Nope. They’re born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn’t take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?”
“Spare me. Okay, maybe they’re only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside.”
“Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They’re meat all the way through.”
“No brain?”
“Oh, there is a brain all right. It’s just that the brain is made out of meat!”
“So… what does the thinking?”
“You’re not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat.”
“Thinking meat! You’re asking me to believe in thinking meat!”
“Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?”
“Omigod. You’re serious then. They’re made out of meat.”
“Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they’ve been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years.”
“So what does the meat have in mind?”
“First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual.”
“We’re supposed to talk to meat?”
“That’s the idea. That’s the message they’re sending out by radio. ‘Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?’ That sort of thing.”
“They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?”
“Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat.”
“I thought you just told me they used radio.”
“They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat.”
“Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?”
“Officially or unofficially?”
“Both.”
“Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multi-beings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing.”
“I was hoping you would say that.”
“It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?”
“I agree one hundred percent. What’s there to say?” `Hello, meat. How’s it going?’ But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?”
“Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can’t live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact.”
“So we just pretend there’s no one home in the universe.”
“That’s it.”
“Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You’re sure they won’t remember?”
“They’ll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we’re just a dream to them.”
“A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat’s dream.”
“And we can mark this sector unoccupied.”
“Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?”
“Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again.”
“They always come around.”
“And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone.”

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Reginald D Hunter on Batman

“I don’t respect the concept of Batman because of what i understand about politics and that.
I’m going to lay it out for you, Rich dude owns a corporation, has state of the art equipment and he uses this to beat up on street level crime. He doesn’t mess with the industrialists or the super capitalists, the Murdock or the Trumps he’d rather just fuck with the purse snatchers on the corner! Batman is a conservatives wet dream! Fuck batman!”

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