Tagged: british

The Common British Hedgehog 0

The Common British Hedgehog

“Give me a Challenger Tank and I’ll execute every Motherf**king last one of ‘em!”

~ Barry Chuckle on British Hedgehogs

The British Hedgehog is a familiar sight on Britain’s roads, usually seen in its dead and flattened form, but the commonly held belief that the Hedgehog is a victim of road traffic is very much mistaken for the Hedgehog is a cunning and vicious pack-hunter.

The British Hedgehog hunts in packs with the objective of bringing down motor vehicles on Britain’s network of A-Roads. Their hunting method suggests a highly evolved and intelligent mind, with the hunting pack; frequently between 50 and 100 Hedgehogs strong, showing more than rudimentary team work and coordination.

The Killer Hedgehog
Cute & Cuddly? This little critter bought down a Renault Kangoo and devoured its catalytic convertor within seconds


The British Hedgehogs hunting pattern invariably consists of one Hedgehog sacrificing itself for the good of all; this is usually an elderly decrepit Hog whose usefulness to the herd is at an end.

This “pawn sacrifice” Hedgehog will lay in wait watching the traffic flow until it spots a straggler, the straggler is usually an under-powered Hatchback. Elderly 1.6L pre 16 valve Vauxhall Astra’s are a favourite quarry of the hunting Hedgehog pack, but any small to medium family hatchback are common prey. Vehicles as large as Ford Transit vans have also been known to be attacked, though frequently without success.

The forlorn hope Hedgehog, upon spotting it’s straggler amongst the traffic flow will then charge forward, intent on only one thing – taking the car down. It aims for the vehicles’ weak spot – its tyres, and thrusts it’s spines into them with all its might, the brave little Hedgehog is usually killed in the process, but it’s sacrifice is rarely in vain as the vehicle is bought down by the injury and forced to pull-over.

At this critical point the rest of the pack charges into the helpless floundering vehicle and it is here; at the kill, that a strict hierarchy can be observed amongst the hunting pack. The leader of the pack; the king Hedgehog, get’s the most prized booty of the kill: the succulent air filter, scrumptious catalytic converter, spark plugs and battery are his and his alone.

The next level in this complex hierarchy gets the remainder of the engine, the alternator and the radiator hoses being particularly prized and many a Hedgehog is prepared to die for the oil filter. The young newcomers to the hunting pack are left to pick at the rear end of the exhaust and fiberglass bumpers.

Despite many scare stories attacks on humans are rare, the man-killer Hedgehog is a myth. If your vehicle is attacked by a pack of Hedgehogs the Ministry of Transport advice is to stay in your vehicle with the doors locked and windows up, and to try to look submissive if threatened. Do not sound the horn; this only makes the Hedgehogs more aggressive.

Calling a rescue service like the AA or RAC will help however; as for some reason the Hedgehog is afraid of flashing lights; it is the sole reason that these rescue vehicles have such light assemblies.

Occasionally a hungry Hedgehog pack will attack a motorcyclist, any motorbike of 125cc and under are particularly vulnerable, the best advice for the besieged motorcyclist is to throw their crash helmet and run, the leader of the Hedgehog pack will habitually pursue the visor with the rest of the pack fighting over the helmets retention system with the synthetic chin strap being most fought after.

Historical origins of the British Hedgehogs hunting habits

How did the British Hedgehog evolve into attacking and consuming vehicles of steel, iron and rubber? This is the subject of much debate.

It is widely believed that the British Hedgehog began its carnivorous activities with slug’s, snails and puppy dog tails. But later it moved onto insects, devilled frogs legs, garlic mushrooms, fish soup rouille and croutons, Endive Salad with Blue Cheese and Walnuts, fan of melon, Six native Maldon oysters with lemon and shallot vinegar, watermelons, Prawn Cocktails and Steak Tatare!

But history was no friend to the British Hedgehog, as the Romans built more and more roads across rural Britain the Hedgehogs were forced to gravitate towards these thoroughfares in search of easy prey. By the middle ages it is thought they began to tackle increasingly larger prey such as Oxen, Ponies and Horses. Therefore it is no surprise that they should naturally evolve to hunt the man-made industrialised steel horses of the 20th century

PitFighting Hedgehogs
Pit Fighting Hedgehogs seized at Heathrow Airport in April 2008

The Illegal Fighting Hedgehog Trade

Sadly an International illegal fighting ring has grown around illegally trapped and exploited British Hedgehogs. This disgusting and illegal trade allegedly funded by Daily Mail readers; pitches British Hedgehogs against American “Monster Trucks”.

Despite some initial success against the Shell-Camino 1,600 Horse-Power team these poor Hedgehogs are now being massacred, the scale of their losses has caused the RSPCA to step in. It is now against international law to use a British Hedgehog in such matches unless they are fired from a “F**king big Cannon”.

by The Real Whippet


Bros reunion tour plan revealed

Bros could become the latest boy band to reform and go on tour, singer Matt Goss has revealed.

Bros had 11 top 10 hits in the UK as well as three top 20 albums

Goss, together with twin brother Luke, on drums, and bassist Craig Logan, enjoyed huge success in the late 1980s with hits including I Owe You Nothing.

“If we can make the numbers work and the venues work, then we’re all up for it,” said Goss, now 39.

He was speaking at the film premiere of his twin brother’s latest film Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

“Being in a band is like being a politician, you’ve got to make sure everyone is happy,” Goss said.

“But Luke, Craig and definitely myself – we’re all up for it.”

Bros had 11 hit singles, including When Will I Be Famous? and Cat Among Pigeons, and three top 20 albums in the UK.

“I had the best time,” he said.

“I think everyone that went to see Bros gigs had the best time and that’s the one reason we all agreed it’d be a good laugh if we did it.”

He said he thought the band would still have the support of the original “Brosettes”.

“They’re still pretty insane,” he added.

“They weren’t too cool for the room – they knew how to have a good time. That’s the way I feel.”

Bassist Craig Logan has gone on to be a successful music business executive

Logan, who went on to become managing director of Sony BMG-owned RCA Records, left the band in 1989.

Bros came to an end in 1992.

Matt Goss is still recording music as a solo artist while Luke Goss has acted in a number of stage shows and US films.